it’s been a while since i’ve last written much of anything, and maybe that’s because i’ve fallen into new routines and nothing feels so extraordinary as to be worth writing about anymore. and then i remember things don’t have to be extraordinary to be worth writing about. and now i want to start writing again.

1. i want to write about how i got a new job, which is essentially my old job but with a little bit more responsibility and authority. i manage hollister now, and the way i see it is if i was going to be working eight hour days at abercrombie anyway (which i was), i might as well be making a little more money. sure it’s a little more demanding, but i get to boss people around with full health and dental benefits.

the only big downside is i got relocated to fairview, which is an hour commute as opposed to the 15 minute walk to eatons, my old work place.

i remember talking to my district manager when i was accepting the job offer and asking him to transfer me back to eatons at the first given opportunity, and he got mad and told me he wanted me to think of fairview as my new home store, which it is, rather than something temporary and unworthy of my commitment and investment.

i remember replying, “i see what you’re saying, but the commute really, really sucks.” and he basically told me i was a brat and we’d talk about it later.

i remember working my first day and suddenly realizing the job wasn’t going to be as easy as i thought it was going to be (an impression i had from watching years of managers come and go at my old store, one of them claiming that “coming to work is like coming to a spa”) because previous management apparently wasn’t the best and now the store needs a lot of work.

it’s only been a few weeks, but i feel like i’m getting the hang of things, and hopefully slowly but surely things will start to improve.

2. i want to write about how last weekend i went out and drank way too much even though i had to be at work by 8:30am (which means i had to wake up at 6:30am) the next day. my friends and i went to a concert and then to someone’s apartment and then elaha and i left everyone and went to some random bar (or at least this is what’s been told to me), and i ended up leaving my shirt at a friends house and walking home with my jacket zipped up and with nothing underneath.

i showed up to work about an hour late, which i thought was fine because i didn’t realize the store opened at 9:30 instead of 10 on saturdays. my opening associate was already there, and so was my district manager, and i was terribly hungover and still a little buzzed i probably smelled like booze and i was really just not in good form.

i needed to go to the back to puke a few times throughout the first few hours of being there, and i asked my district manager if i could leave early, which was a horrifyingly unprofessional mistake, but whatever, i was feeling sick.
he turned to me and said “are you seriously asking me that? never show up to work like this again. do you even want this job?”

and i said, “i mean, i guess” and then he left to go to eatons.

it wasn’t until a few hours later when i was finally sober and feeling way better that i could actually think clearly about things and realize what an embarrassing and unprofessional mess i was. i texted a longwinded but sincere apology to my district manager, and he sent me a forgiving text back, and i vowed i would never let any of that ever happen again.

i felt like a complete dissapointment and i worried nobody would ever take me seriously again, but after a few minutes of feeling the weight of everything that had happened keep me down, i told myself to hold my head up high, because what’s done is done and all we can do in the face of our mistakes is keep looking forward and prove our worth.

i told myself that we all have our off days, and i’m good at this job, and i know i can make a positive difference, which is all true. just a couple of days ago i helped manage dealing with a shoplifting operation in the store, which was equal parts stressful and exciting.

then i reminded myself that i work for a cold corporation that probably doesn’t care about my personal well-being at all, and i’m not really personally invested in its well-being either, so i really don’t mind fucking up every once in a while, if i’m being completely honest.

what i’m saying is i want to do a good job, but it’s not the end of the world every time i stumble, and i think it’s important to keep everything in a healthy perspective.

3. i was going to make this a post about how i wanted to write more, and i was going to list all of the things i wanted to write about (and then write about them, i guess), but now it’s 4am and i’m tired and i have to wake up for work tomorrow, so i guess this is now just a post about my new job.

i’m going to try to write a little every day – i want to start capturing all of the little snapshots that make life vibrant and textured and fun again. everything’s been feeling a little grey, and i forget that sometimes we can only see the colour if we choose to look.

goodnight!

“"Your idea of love is rather primitive. Love is not a series of sensations, each one independent of the others…”

I realized that every time I had fallen in love it had been just like that: a sudden emotion, aroused by a face, a gesture or a kiss,…thrilling moments, without coherence, was all I remembered.

“It is something different,” said Anne. “There are such things as lasting affection, sweetness, a need…but I suppose you cannot understand.”

She dismissed me with a gesture and took up a newspaper. If only she had been angry instead of resigned to my lack of sentiment. All the same I felt she was right – that I was governed by my instincts like an animal, swayed this way and that by other people that I was shallow and weak. I despised myself, and it was a horribly painful sensation, all the more since I was not used to self-criticism. I went up to my room in a daze. Lying in bed on my warm sheet I thought of Anne’s words: “It is something different, it’s a need.” Had I ever needed anyone?” 

Bonjour Tristesse by Francoise Sagan

Aries: Sarcasm, wit, busy bodies, cleverness, kindness, someone who needs a hero.
Taurus: Thoughtfulness, intelligence, patience, sensitivity, someone who can take a realtionship slow.
Gemini: Laughter, humor, intelligence, long conversations, playfulness, someone whose easygoing about relationships.
Cancecr: Romance, charm, compliments, giggles, emotions, someone who will be very attentive and always by your side.
Leo: Intensity, openness, playfulness, romance, humor, friendliness, someone as playful as you.
Virgo: Gentleness, curiosity, mystery, sweetness, dark eyes, someone who wants a very real realtionship, no games.
Libra: Compliments, talkative people, flamboyance, humor, sweetness, someone who wants a very affectionate realtionship.
Scorpio: Deep thoughts, wit, charm, classic style, intriguing conversations, someone who understands you, and knows you don’t give love to just anyone.
Sagittarius: Independence, realism, intelligence, go getter attitude, someone who can keep up with you.
Capricorn: Realism, romance, kindness, honesty, charisma, calmness, someone who understands your lifestyle and won’t try and change you.
Aquarius: Originality, independence, off beat personality, creativity, someone who wants to go out with a bang in this world.
Pisces: Romance, care, giggles, charm, thoughtful compliments, someone who is as romantic as you.

i took a nap for a few hours (which was probably not the best thing to do considering i start my first day at my new job pretty early tomorrow), and now i am awake and thinking about how hard (but how necessary) the next few steps are going to be.

but we have weathered storms together, and we’ve built monuments with our hands held tight, and we have held each other close during the hard and broken parts of it, and if there is one thing i know after all that we’ve been through, it’s that we are both strong, and we will continue to grow, even if it has to be apart for a little while.

still, i fear the moments of weakness – the lonely hours in deep night – when my heart will ache and i will stop myself from reaching out across an ocean to ask you how you are – stop myself from drawing near to you, and knowing you and being part of your life in the way i am now – stop myself from claiming my territory on your heart.

because all things change, and i’m a little afraid of the growing pains.

still, it will be nice to know that no matter what, at the end of the day you’re still there.

today you told me about how something i wrote made you mad, and you wondered how i could possibly feel the way i felt – wondered what you might’ve said or done, and how i might’ve twisted things.

i wrote a letter that did a pretty good job of explaining all of the little moments that contributed to those feelings – all of the little things that built and built until i stood in their shadow – but i didn’t send it to you.

maybe one day we’ll get to a point where i can, and maybe one day you’ll read it, and maybe one day we’ll both laugh.

who knows what the future holds.

but for now, i want you to know that i never doubted your love for me – and i absolutely know you never did anything with anyone else while we were together – and as i move forward i’m going to take only the bright and shining parts of it – the pure and tender parts of it – which were almost all of the parts anyway.

and even though it might hurt for a little while, and it might take some getting used to, i want you to be excited.

good night, i love you.

last night i wrote a letter i’m probably never going to send.

today i went to work and then i went for a walk and then i watched scream queens and ate dinner and then i went to the gym.

and now i am at home and i’m very cozy.

i’ve had time to process all the surreal hurt of last night, and i’ve had time to come to terms – and i mean truly come to terms – with all of the Unresolvable Things, and now i am left with the good.

and this is the part i don’t want to leave behind – the knowing i was part of something so pure and beautiful, and the gratefulness for the opportunity to experience so much love.

this is the part i want to carry forward, because though some things have ended, some things have not and life goes on and on and on.

i don’t know what hit me yesterday, but it hard and cold.

maybe i was just heartsick.

whatever it was, it seems i’m learning how to deal with things on my own, without having to drag anybody down with me, and this is how i know i’m going to be okay.

i cried a little bit and i wrote something in secret and i think i truthfully got to the root of the issue.

goodnight.

it’s my brother’s birthday and were about to eat dinner and i was in such a bad mood, so i was going to write a scathing post to purge all of these terrible feelings.

i was going to write about how awful it is when you think you’ve done such a good job putting old demons to sleep only to have them wake up at lonely hours to haunt and to hurt you all over again.

and i was going to write about how sad it is that when actions contradict words, it’s so difficult to know how someone truly feels – or truly felt, ages ago – and i wonder if it even matters now. there are some things that i just can’t seem to get over, and even though they may seem petty and stupid, they aren’t to me, because they hurt and they make me feel inadequate and undesired. and it makes me so sad because i know that even though i might feel a certain way, i might be very wrong – and because i also understand that none of these things really matter anymore.

and i was going to write about how i’m learning to leave the past in the past and to accept insufficient explanations because that’s all i’ll ever get, and to understand that there are just some things we cannot change – and some things we might not even try to – and that there are some things that have been done and that have been felt and even though sometimes it hurt, i’ve come through to the other side of it – a little dusty but unbroken.

and even though there are things that linger – these dark spectres that taunt (and taint) from the shadows – at the end of the day it’s over, and all i can do is move on – and maybe i can learn to carry Unanswered Questions and Lingering Suspicion with me like old friends – maybe i can learn to be comfortable with the unknown and uncertain and with the idea that maybe that’s just the way things were.

and i guess i’ve written about all of these things after all.

but then we ate dinner and i talked and laughed with my family, and i felt so much better. and i realized that even though my mind has a nasty habit of lingering on the dark and hurtful parts of it, there are so many more parts of it that were filled with light, and now it’s over.

even though sometimes i might dwell on the past and torture myself with the seething questions and unending wondering that leave me feeling small and untouchable, slowly this will stop. and i will stop asking why and why not and with who and how many.

i am going to stop feeling lesser than i am.

bit by bit i am going to stop needing so much undeserved comfort and reassurance – i will stop needing all of the “this is how things were” and “this is how things are”.

bit by bit i am learning to just accept the things that might have been and the things that might be, and accept that maybe i will never be sure.

bit by bit i am moving forward.