while i was at my parents’ place over the weekend, i saw my brother working on a video editing portfolio website for school, and it made me want to make my own website for my writing – something sleek and user-friendly, clean and pretty, where people can navigate between my short stories, my own personal writing, and maybe even published works, if that ever becomes a thing.

it would be kind of cool to have my own url that i can just give to people if they ever ask what i do for fun or something.

“oh, i do a bit of writing on the side, you can check out himynameisobed.com if you wanna see some of my work.”

i think if you have goals, there are little things you can do to make you want to accomplish them – a little bit of self-inspiration, in a sense. i guess it’s kind of the same idea as dressing for the job you want.

maybe if i make my own nice website, i’ll write more, simply because i’ll want to see that writing on the website. i’ll want to contribute to it and build it up. and i’ll want to work hard to get published just so i can add some pieces to the “published works” section.

you gotta start somewhere.

life is just a billion baby steps.

i’ve been thinking about starting a skin care routine recently.

i’ve never really given it much thought – i don’t moisturize or use lotion – but turning 28 has got me feeling the skin on my face more, and i feel like it’s not as soft

it just seems like a lot of work, and i’m worrie it’ll be expensive, and i’m just not sure if it’s even going to make that much of a marked difference in my life.

i like to consider myself as not shallow – totally above concerning myself with such petty things as my physical appearance (i haven’t gone shopping for clothes in maybe 3 or so years, not counting that one time i went to value village to get new button downs for work), but on the other hand, it’s important to take care of yourself.

and why not try to look good!

i want to start accessorizing again – adorning myself in dangling necklaces, bracelets and earrings. now, whenever i wear an earring i always get asked how long i’ve had a piercing for, and i realize all over again that i don’t really decorate myself anymore.

i used to all the time when i was in school, and it was always something i found fun.

i’ve been saving a bunch of money during this lockdown, so maybe when things are back to quasi-normal and we’re allowed to be physically present in malls again, maybe then i’ll actually go shopping.

maybe i’ll treat myself to some nice things.

i am not yet above caring about how i look, though it probably doesn’t consume me as much as it does many other people.

i can still tell the difference it makes when i wear a blazer to work.

it’s one of those sad realities of the world, but one that you can use to your own advantage if you really want to.

for work, i act as the delivery lead of a technical recruitment team for one of the largest social media companies in the world. since we do most of our recruitment in the united states (people seem to love the fact that i’m from canada when i talk to them), we follow their stat holiday schedule, which means this weekend is a long weekend for me (thanks to martin luther king jr. day).

so i packed up my laptop and my books and walked on over to my parents’ place, even though ontario is now under allegedly strict stay at home orders. it was actually spooky walking down dundas street, and the only other people left outside seemed to be the few homeless people who would ask me for change.

sadly, i really don’t carry any change around any more, and i doubt many other people do either. i wouldn’t be surprised if it’s been getting harder out there for homeless people with the advent of tap and apple pay.

but anyway, toronto was like a ghost town, and the walk kind of spooked me a bit. it felt like it was way later than it was. there weren’t even many cars around. i almost stopped listening to music while i walked, which is something i only really do when i walk down silent residential streets with the few street lights so spaced out i might as well be walking by just the light of the moon. but i don’t think i was ever in any real danger, and i made it to my parents’ place safe and sound all the same.

i was actually thinking of staying home and having a quiet, conetmplative weekend of relaxing, watching movies, writing and reading all by myself, but i thought about all those hours i would spend on my own and i felt like it would eventually get a little lonely, so i packed my bag and left.

wheneve i get to my parents’ place, i always rummage through their kitchen cupboards, pantries, and fridge, taking inventory of any and every snack i might want to indulge in later. i keep a pretty strict no-junk diet during the week when i’m at my own apartment, but not intentionally, really. i always just forget to buy myself snacks when i go grocery shopping, and then i’m always too lazy to go out and get some when i’m craving them.

so i’ve kind of developed a habit of discipline that only exists within certain conditions and environments (namely when i’m by myself in my apartment).

whenever i go to my parents’ place, i look forward to all the snacks and food and drinks (juices, soda, iced coffee) there are for me to consume. i always think about how it’ll be a little break from my good habits but that’s okay because i promise myself that i’ll get back into the swing of things right after (which i’ve actually been pretty good about doing).

sometimes i think about maybe not letting myself indulge in all these things just because i happen to be at my parents’ place. maybe i can be a little bit more disciplined than that.

but it’s a long weekend for me, and i deserve to treat myself!

“i overcommunicate and feel too much” is a catchy little line from a song called feelings by hayley kiyoko that i’ve been listening to while i work.

i do this thing where i listen to the same playlist over and over again until i get bored and then i scour spotify looking for a new playlist that i can listen to over and over again until i get bored. i guess this might be something that most people do.

this song was on one of the newer playlists i’ve been listening to.

i used to live my life by the mantra “honesty is the best policy” and i believed that saying how i felt all the time and in great detail was the best way to live my life because then i wouldn’t feel the weight of anything aching to spill over.

but as i grow older, i realize more and more that there are ways to be careful while you’re being honest.

sometimes, it’s okay to keep things to yourself. people don’t always need to know what you’re thinking or how you feel all the time, especially if it might complicate things without doing any good.

some might say that’s a slippery slope to white lies and intentional ommissions, but i think they’re different.

maybe it’s about choosing when to say things. maybe you can sprinkle your truth a little a time instead of packing it all into one tight fist and throwing it full throttle at someone who might not be ready for it.

interestingly, i’ve never really regretted speaking up about things i’ve spoken up about, but i will admit that maybe there were better ways of being honest about them.

sometimes i have trouble being honest with how i feel because i don’t even know how i feel in the moment, and i end up rambling on and on, hoping some kernel of truth will reveal itself in the tangle of words.

life is just a confusing mess sometimes and that’s okay.

thankfully, for the most part, i feel like things do work out in the end, even if it takes a litle while to get there. sometimes it just takes some effort to sort through the mess.

i got to have a chat with these boys tonight and it was cute.

they (+ luke) all lived in a house together in second year of university and i was always around. i would tell them to leave their back door unlocked so i could crash through it, drunk at 3am, and stumble over to fall asleep on their living room couch, possibly crying and making a scene before finally settling down.

they took such good care of me back then – back when i was a bit of a mess, prone to hysterics and sudden swings of mood and emotion.

it’s so funny to think about those times.

it doesn’t feel like i’ve changed too much, but i guess it never really does. any change is so gradual that i barely even notice it, but looking back, i can see the difference.

back then, i felt everything so deeply – especially the cuts. every slight against me was an undeserved tragedy and around every corner lay some hidden doom.

there was a part of me that used to take everything so personally.

every minor heartbreak had me shattered and in tears, and life was full of a sense of pining that i secretly cherished and clung onto.

and somehow, in the midst of this, i remember feeling strangely carefree – always the life of the party and looesely interested in everyone around me, at least for small bursts at a time.

most of the time i look back and i’m glad for the strides i’ve made to become who i am today, with this newer strength and sureness in myself.

but sometimes i miss the mess, and the tears and the heartache.

there was always something so poetic, and romantic and poignant about the pain of my youth.

but i know now that there are different (and maybe better) ways to feel alive.

tonight i made the same creamy shrimp pasta that i make every few weeks, and it still hasn’t gotten old.

i need to learn new recipes though. i’ve been eating the same things month after month for this entire lockdown, save for when i go to my parents’ place or when they bring me food (which is actually pretty often, so really i shouldn’t be complaining).

every time i go grocery shopping, i buy the same things, and each trip lasts me about four weeks – so the whole month – which is actually pretty crazy to think about considering i usually end up spending less than $100 per trip.

i make pasta (tortellini with storebought sauce), japanese curry (i cheat, using the curry cubes, and add an onion, a few potatoes, a jumbo carrot, and some bean curd tofu stuff), a tuna macaroni casserole, vegetarian stirfy, the creamy shrimp pasta, more japanese curry, and a couple of frozen pizzas.

i order delivery (usually sushi) maybe once or twice a week, but the stuff above is all i make for myself. and breakfast, but all i make for breakfast is egg and cheese breakfast sandwiches.

the tuna casserole and creamy shrimp pasta are really the only things i know how to make that i’m really excited about. so i need to learn more recipes. it would be nice to be excited about every recipe i make.

i guess chili would be a good option. my sister says i should learn how to make sheppard’s pie. tacos and burritos would also probably be pretty easy and pretty good.

maybe i’ll look through recipes on pinchofyum.com tomorrow and decide.

in other news, i think toronto just went into a state of emergency and new stay at home orders have been released.

that’s fine by me really – i don’t have much business being outside, and apparently i’m still allowed to visit my family since i live alone (i just looked it up, and while it is allowed, it’s strongly discouraged).

i have a hard time imagining they’ll be reinforcing these new restrictions very aggressively

maybe i’ll be walking to my parents’ place one day and a cop on a bike or a horse will yell at me to stop and i’ll have to pull out a piece of id and explain myself. but how would they know if i’m lying? technically i still have a roommate, even though sadiq’s been in europe for months with no immediate plans to return.

more likely than not, nothing will happen at all and everything will feel how it’s always felt for me these last few months.

i wonder when things will go back to close to normal.

i wonder what the new normal will be.

i meditated for the first time in really long time today, and though it was only for ten minutes, it kind of felt like i was passing in and out of sleep while it was happening.

i feel like my posture probably wasn’t very good. i was probably a little hunched over with my spine slightly curved. but hey, it’s better than nothing.

meditation used to be so easy for me as a child. at least, that’s how i remember it. now i feel like i’m relatively restless.

i remember being slightly obsessed with meditation when i was around ten and full of curiousity, addicted to the wonderment of learning and practicing new things.

i must’ve rattled on and on about it because i remember my fifth grade gym teacher joking about how he wasn’t a master at it like i was.

that was probably around the same time that i was drawing inspiration from klaus from the series of unfortunate events. like him, i wanted to keep a little notebook around with me where i would write down any random facts i learned throughout the day. that was klaus, right? maybe i’m completely wrong.

in any case, i distinctly remember sitting at my desk in 5th (or maybe 6th?) grade – it must’ve been during a free reading period – and reading a book about the solar system, fastidiously copying facts into my little notebook.

that endeavour didn’t last very long, as far as i can remember. i think it was too much work for the reward.

as a ten-year-old, was knowing how far the earth was from the sun worth the cramp that always developed in my wrist?

even now, i’m leaning towards no.

above: the dark and witchy dinner my family prepared for my birthday on thursday.

i haven’t written in a little while because i’ve been either too busy or too tired, although really that shouldn’t be an excuse. next time, i’ll just pop on here for a little bit to get a couple of lines in, however short or haphazard they might be.

it was my birthday on thursday, and i woke up feeling nice and rested and in good health, which was a relief since i’d been feeling stuffy and headache-y for basically all of the previous day.

i ended up working a little later than i’d planned to, and then heading over to my parents’ house to have dinner, blow out the candles of my birthday cake, open presents, and watch a movie.

during dinner, i kept asking my two youngest brothers questions that revolved around me as the subject:

what is your favourite memory of me?

what is the most important thing i’ve ever taught you?

when was the time i made you angriest?

and of course, they didn’t answer any of these questions seriously. i never expected them to. but maybe it would be a fun exercise to try with a group of close friends who would take it more seriously.

i had a strawberry cheesecake this year, which was pretty good. cheesecake used to be my favourite kind of cake, and perhaps it still is, though the ferrero roche cake my brother gets from marche adonis in montreal is pretty high up there.

we watched thoroughbreds (we’ve been on an anya taylor-joy kick, having watched both the queen’s gambit and emma pretty recently), i ejoye. it was dark and funny and a little unconventional.

the movie ended a little late and i was already tired, so i ended up sleeping over with plans to just wake up early in the morning and be back in my own apartment by 8:30AM.

I ended up getting home at around 10:30, having woken up a little later than i’d planned to. i spent some time leisurely talking to my mother in the kitchen before leaving too.

i went over to conor’s house on friday night for dinner and a movie to celebrate my birthday. he roasted fish and vegetables and it was very yummy.

we watched forgeting sarah marshal and (i forced him to watch) the first episode of bridgerton, and it was nice to just hang out with a friend and talk to and spend time with someone outside of work (who wasn’t a part of my family). i don’t really get to see much of my friends these days, which is a necessary shame.

we split a bottle of wine and i ended up leaving pretty late, but i live close by so it was fine.

i went back to my parents’ place yesterday evening to watch a four-part thriller miniseries called “the sister” with my mom. it wasn’t very good, but i guess it was interesting enough to get through. we watched all 4 episodes in one sitting and we started pretty late because my mom didn’t wake up for the day until around 11:30ish pm.

i came back to my apartment this evening, and now i’m lying in my new bathrobe and drinking dreamland tea in one of the schitt’s creek teacups my sister gave me for christmas.

robby paid for my dinner tonight and we watched palm springs together for my birthday, which was very sweet. it was nice of him to do something, even from all the way across the country. we haven’t really spoken over the last few weeks, what with both of us being busy with the holidays and everything, so it was nice to see him again. i missed him.

i also finished reading the shining today, which wasn’t as scary as i thought it was going to be, though it was interesting and entertaining enough.

jack’s character continued my recent train of thought and wondering about why we continue to repeat toxic and self-destructive behaviours even though we should really know better.

why do we allow ourselves to fall into familiar traps, clinging onto things that are no good for us, acting against all reason and rationality?

i’ve been battling my own demons more fervently recently, but i feel like i’m on the cusp of some real and lasting change and transformation.

maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

or maybe i’m just growing up.

i turned 28 on thursday and it was cute!

i still feel like 28 is going to be a big year for me and i’m hoping i’m not wrong.

i woke up way later than i should’ve today which already got my day off to a rocky start.

then i had to battle a runny nose and a small but persistent headache all day.

add to that the distracting news that trump supporters successfully stormed the capitol and were met by minimal resistance, and all in all it wasn’t the best day for me mentally.

also, the kany west/jeffree star rumors that came out today are wild.

but now i’m in bed, about to read and relax and i’m feeling a lot better and calmer about things.

you really do just have to take things one day at a time and draw strength from where you can.

make yourself that cup of tea! light that candle! snuggle up in the covers and watch dumb videos that make you laugh!

i’ve been feeling a bit lonely recently, which makes sense since i’ve spent the last couple of weeks surrounded by my family and now i’m literally all by myself in my apartment for days at a time, not really talking to anyone outside of work.

but as it is with most things, i just have to readjust.

plus, i’m going to go over to my parents’ place for my birthday tomorrow, so that will be nice.

for now, sleep.

hopefully it won’t be as tossy or turny as last night.

i often wonder why it’s so hard to let go of self-destructive behaviours.

we cling onto things that lessen and defeat us, even when we should really know better. we make the same mistakes over and over and over again, half-heartedly promising to do better next time and to somehow stop it before it even starts.

it’s so easy to hold onto what is familiar, even when we know it isn’t right – even when we know it won’t grow us or bring us any closer to who we want to be. any change comes with a nonsensically fierce opposition.

maybe these are what they call growing pains.

maybe it’s just addiction.

i didn’t sleep at all last night.

i think it was because i was readjusting not only to a normal sleep schedule, but also to being back in my apartment on my own after so long away.

one hour kept rolling into the next until i saw cold, blue daylight creeping in through the window and i checked my phone and it was somehow 7:30AM.

i spent all of today feeling groggy and mildly sick, as if i was always just a little bit drunk or a little bit hungover the whole time.

work was manageable, but more difficult than normal, and i’ve spent the last few hours lying in bed, waiting for my laundry to dry and for it to be an appropriate time to let myself sleep and reset my sleep cycle.

i’m hoping to get a really good night’s sleep tonight so i can be well-rested and over-productive tomorrow.

my drier is beeping and letting me know that the laundry is done drying.

i’m going to go fold all of it – a more daunting task than it has any right being – and finally go to bed.

wish me luck.

i’m finally at my apartment after having spent the better part of the last two weeks at my parents’ place.

i have to start work again tomorrow, but i feel pretty energized so it should be okay. i’m actually excited about the account i’m working on, which is nice. things seem to be going well so i’m hoping for continued success in the new year.

i’m also going to go back to the old habits i’ve been trying to maintain over the past few months – reading, writing and meditating a little bit every day, working out a little bit ever week day, the usual.

my eating and exercise habits really plummeted over my vacation, but i knew that was going to happen and gave myself a pass for it. hopefully it’ll be easy to get back into the swing of things tomorrow.

i feel like it’ll be harder to break certain bad habits while i’m all by myself in the apartment. there’s nobody here to watch me or hold me accountable for things. temptation lurks around every corner when there’s nobody else around, but i’m just going to have to be that much stronger for it.

i’m pretty optimistic about this year. i’m hoping for good and lasting change.

i bought an agenda and some pens today. i want to start making to do lists. i’ve also been playing with the idea of finding a way to build a sense of community and belonging between people. there are so many things that i’m tired of, and i’m sure i’m not the only person grappling with these questions and coping with common frustrations.

it’ll take some planning and some coordination, but maybe there’s a way to find a common thread and bring people together.

i spent the last couple of days doing barely anything except for eating, sleeping, reading, writing, browsing the internet, and watching movies with my family, and it’s been pretty great. it’s been relaxing and easy-going, floating in a constant state of almost-napping.

i kind of wish i’d spent more of my vacation doing this (this not-doing of other things) than playing video games for 10 hours a day. which is basically what i’ve been doing the rest of the time save for the few days my family spent at an air bnb in coburg.

today i journaled about choices, and how we’re so often split between competing and conflicting directions.

for example, on one hand you can have comfort and intimacy (but also ambiguity), and on the other you can have strength and independence (but also loneliness).

i think one of the trickiest things about living is trying to figure out how different people can fit into our lives. sometimes i think about relationships as a process of constant give and take – like things can only work out if what you receive from someone is enough to fill the space that’s been left behind by what you’ve given to them; the maintentance of some intangible balance and harmony.

we carve spaces out for people, and a lot of the time the difficulty comes in trying to decide the shapes and sizes of those spaces. relationships aren’t concrete things with definitive points and forms. they are ever-changing, day by day, shaped by and layered with their own constant choices.

it’s important to remember that just because someone might not love you back in the same way you love them doesn’t mean there isn’t any love there at all. love manifests in so many different ways and sometimes it’s hard to keep track of where you stand with people. it would be a shame to mix up not receiveing what you want from someone with not receiving anything period. there are so many forms of genuine and mutual care and intimacy that can exist between two people. i feel like we often try to simplify things into manageable conventions, losing sight of the complexity and nuance that so often exist.

this idea of give and take goes against what i want to believe about the world anyway; that it is better to be selfless and generous with love – to give as much as you can without worrying too much about what you’re getting back, as long as you make sure to take care of yourself too.

but what does it even mean to take care of yourself?

i think the important thing is to try and be as honest as you can with yourself (and others) about the situations and relationships you find yourself in. keep an honest sense of perspective, and trust that people are being honest with you too.

don’t overcomplicate, overthink, or read into things – boil them all down to their bare bone essentials – the facts of the matter – and see where you can go from there.

what is the reality of a situation?

what is truth in a relationship?

how honest about things are we, on average, as a species?

i wonder.

the new year is already off to a good start.

i thought i lost my wallet buying overpriced croissants by my house a couple of days ago, so i called the store a couple of times to see if it happened to turn up. the first time i called, a girl answered the phone, and the next day, a man answered.

“sorry sir, we haven’t found anything. we already asked all the staff. you called yesterday right?”

“oh, yes, sorry. well, please give me a call if anything turns up.”

it turns out it was underneath a pile of dirty clothes next to a laundry hamper in my old room at my parents’ place. i’ve been staying here while on holiday for the past couple of weeks.

i don’t know how it managed to get underneath that whole pile of dirty clothes though. usually i’m pretty good at not losing track of the essentials (keys, wallet, phone, headphones).

it’s funny though – i was never really anxious about it the entire time it was lost. for some reason, i always knew it was going to turn up, so when it did, i wasn’t very surprised. i’m just glad it turned up before i go back to my place and back to work.

it would’ve been a pain to have to replace my credit cards, IDs, and presto card, and it probably would’ve been a bit distracting if i hadn’t found it by the time a returned to work.

i have a lot of resolutions this year that mainly revolve around mainaining good habits that i’ve started being conscious about over the past couple of months, and breaking bad habits i’ve been battling for years.

there are some things i really need to shake off, so i’m going to put a more concentrated effort into doing so – i’m going to try to commit and really give it a fair shot.

i love this time of year, even if it’s corny and a little nonsensical. i love this idea of a new beginning – the chance to change and grow; shed things and become a better, more refined version of yourself. at this time of year, it’s easy to feel like you truly have a hand in being whoever and whatever you want to be, and it’s easy to feel like after you’ve accomplished that elusive transformation, the whole world will open up in front of you.

then it becomes a question of how long you can maintain the surges if inspiration and motivation. how long before you withdraw to some familiar tedium and malaise?

i’m going to try to give it an earnest shot this year though. i’m going to be a little more optimistic. i’ve often said that i feel like 28 is somehow going to be a big year for me. hopefully by december, i’ll be able to look back on it and see that i was right.

i also do want to write more, so lets see if i can write even just a little bit every day.

here’s to the new year! may it be better and more fruitful than the last.