so some people have been asking me if i regret any of the choices i’ve made.
my entire future’s up in the air.
what do you fucking think?
-
meeting.
i met with mr. cowie and my advisor today in mr. cowie’s office. my heart had been pounding only seconds before. parts of me wanted to turn around and walk away, ignore the issues, shed the responsibilities, forget the consequences, just like i’d done so often before. but i understood this. i knew this was important.
so i took deep breaths to calm my racing heart. and i thought to myself, ‘this is nothing. no matter what happens, no matter what they say, it’ll be alright.’
and then mr. mcdonald came out and asked me to come in and take a seat.
it wasn’t nearly as bad as i’d expected. and what was it that i had come to expect? disappointed looks, threats, warnings; things adults throw at you to make you do better; things that never seemed to work on me.
but mr. cowie was very polite. he was very understanding. and i didn’t feel like he thought bad of me at all. he told me i could turn it around. he said he had faith in me, even though i’d lost faith in myself.
it was then that i realized i was still just a child to them. i was a child who’d gone astray; a lost lamb, confused at a crossroads in a forest of looming trees with no way home.
i’m still a child.
but these woods won’t hold me forever.i’m turning around now.
out of the shadows to be cradled by the sun.
-
crazy cat man. 
shirtless boy. 
more shirtless boy. 
posing with shirtless boy. 
shirtless nicky. 
ew. gross. ew. EW. went to the weed march last saturday.
caught a couple of snaps.
-
ultimatum.
i’ve been presented with an ultimatum; either improve or face the hatred of loved ones.
unfortunately, i’m not sure whether what is being asked of me is even possible.
tensions are high in the household. it’s almost like this isn’t even home anymore.
it’s scary because this thought is supposed to break my heart, but it doesn’t.what am i becoming? what have i become?
i am selfish. i am inconsiderate. i am a liar. i take everything for granted. i can’t say ‘i love you’ when it really matters and i am breaking the hearts of those i love.
i need help.
and i know this, but for some reason, i just can’t stop.and it’s scaring me.
-
tidbit #4
sometimes i’m scared that i’ve just stopped caring. sometimes i’m afraid my heart pumps ice.
-
formal.
i went to bss’ prom a couple nights ago. i’ve decided that i enjoy limousines, dance floors and strangers. they just make my life a little bit better.
liz and i had gone shopping at kensington market beforehand. we bought a pair of suspenders, a suit jacket and a skinny tie for around fifty bucks at courage my love; gotta love vintage shopping. the storekeep was even kind enough to let us in an hour before the store actually opened.
as i tried on various articles of clothing (a long and arduous process), he told liz tales of his own prom experience. i caught little tidbits while i was in the change room; something about too much booze, speeding and cops. it was all very exciting.
it was a fun night. i like dancing. i get lost in the music sometimes. i look pretty stupid when i dance though, which is slightly tragic, but i had suspenders, so it was all a-okay.
i saw old friends, made new ones, it was great.
and then the after party came rolling along and people started spilling secrets to me. i’m used to it. i absorb them and try not to burst. i think i do an alright job as a secret-keeper.
i took care of a friend for the majority of my time there. he was drunk and going through some stuff and shedding tears and i don’t really feel right leaving people alone when they feel like shit. i didn’t mind at all. in fact, i kind of liked the feeling of having someone to care for.
the party was at a farm in the middle of nowhere though, so we were kind of stranded until about 3 a.m, at which point we climbed aboard a big yellow school bus (that was a hassle) and headed back to the wonderful world of toronto.
it was fun. i had fun. everybody was all dolled up and wearing nice dresses.
cool.
-
these kids make me incredibly happy.
i wish i was part of a choir like this when i was younger.
(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)
-
phoenix – lisztomania
-
a change.
i’m going to study for a change.
and then i’ll do well on my test tomorrow.
and i’ll perform in lysistrata for its third show night and it’ll be great.
and i will dream of hummingbirds, watermelons and starshine.this is my 100th post.
let’s make it positive.
-
nails on a chalkboard.
the sound makes me cringe. there are lots of things that make me cringe. let’s list some of the ones that came up today.
1. when people tell me they’ll be half an hour and i end up waiting an hour and a half
(although i’m not one to talk. i do it all the time)2. bitchy people on public transit who get mad at the fact that they have to make physical contact with strangers when it’s crowded. DEAL WITH IT.
(i was once forced to stand right in front of the doors of a train and as everybody was getting out, i mentioned the fact that i was unintentionally blocking everyone’s way. some lady making an exit blurted out ‘yes, yes you are,’ in the most condescending and irritated tone she could muster. thanks for stating the obvious, as i totally wasn’t already aware and hadn’t just apologetically mentioned it. I’M SORRY FOR DELAYING YOUR EXIT BY TWO FIFTHS OF A SECOND)3. people who feel entitled to act obnoxious on subway cars when they’re in large groups.
(don’t effing take up four seats with your huge ass and legs. and if you’re going to talk really loud, can you try to make sure you don’t come across as a huge idiot? [again, i am also guilty of this one sometimes. hypocrisy makes the world go round])4. large groups of people who think they’re intimidating.
(just because you dress in over-sized clothing, stand around aimlessly and glare at me doesn’t mean i’m going to fear you. also, mocking my friends for stupid reasons make you look like you have a stupid sense of humour)5. indifference.
(especially when i care so much and you don’t give a shit about me at all. this one’s directed to a specific person. let’s never mention it again.)
-
dialogue #6
charlie: i wouldn’t mind it if you were too demanding. everything else about you makes you a keeper.
me: what? no. NO.
charlie: what? i just complimented you.
me: NO. I’M DEFINITELY A SEEKER.
charlie: what? what’s going on?
me: YOU DON’T GET IT. YOU JUST DON’T GET IT.
