dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
2am and i’m tired tired tired, but i wanted to make a quick note to say that i’ve moved into my new home in turnpike lane!
charlie (and his friend jake) helped me move before they head off to japan tomorrow. bought them (and sam) dinner at the chinese buffet on stroud green to say thank you. weirdly kept talking politics and religion with jake, and i found myself putting on airs. when i think i’m getting perceived a certain way, it jars me and i end up subconsciously playing into it or trying to subvert it. i’m not exactly sure what i mean, but i felt…not nervous, but somehow not completely natural. maybe i get like that when i’m feeling judged, and now that i think about it, maybe i was feeling judged by sam.
the topic of sex before marriage came up again (as it seems to somehow always come up in smaller settings with sam for some reason) and i posited that there are actually sex-positive interpretations of the bible that value covenantal love over the legalistic signing of a marriage certificate, and that there might not be anything inherently wrong with sex before marriage between two loving, consenting, committed adults (i know, hot take, maybe even heresy).
honestly, i’m on a journey of exploring purity and obedience etc. etc. etc. and refraining from casual sex anyway, but i hate how sex seems to be the hill that christians die on, the absolute barometer for gauging spiritual health when actually, in the grand scheme of things, i just don’t think it’s that big of a deal either way. gotta look into it, but i feel like Jesus didn’t say much about premarital sex? He seemed much more preoccupied with caring for the poor and outcast, so should we not follow that example?
like, why is the church so obsessed with sex, and so incredibly judgmental about it, i’m so over it. and i hate that someone will perceive me as somehow less faithful or completely spiritually misguided because i simply don’t really care whether or not people bang before they’ve signed a marriage certificate, when honestly it’s none of my business anyway. and i’m tired of the holier-than-thou, self-righteous attitude of superiority christians have over others because they might not have the same attitude towards sex.
on the flipside, i know how destructive and destabilizing sex can be outside of a healthy, loving, committed relationship, so i kind of get it. but something tells me that’s not quite what the typical conservative christian is worried about. it feels less like genuine care and concern and more like yet another thing to hit people over the head with, a way of setting oneself apart as somehow better, purer.
anyway, end rant. i was probably just being defensive because i have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to religious judgment and hypocrisy. i think i feel the need to side with people who get judged for having sex, and stand by them.
i’m excited to live in the neighbourhood where i’m working. i hope it’ll make it easier to meet people and get better integrated into the community. i have a good feeling about it and i’m excited. i have visions of going to the farmers’ market on saturdays, joining a park run, sitting and writing at the local cafes.
funnily enough, i’m reading josh silver’s novel “fruit fly” right now, and one of the main characters is a gay drug-addicted sex worker living in a halfway house in turnpike lane, so there’s a claim to fame. how exciting!
i’m also happy to be living close to a mall, because i miss malls. my first jobs were in malls. i lived next to a mall in toronto and it was so incredibly convenient. perhaps i’m more of a capitalist shill than i care to admit 😔
it is so, so hot in london right now. apparently it’s only 26 degrees celsius but i feel so much hotter than i ever feel in toronto because this city isn’t built for the heat. virtually none of the buildings have air conditioning so it’s up to our bodies to regulate the temperature, and i think the general consensus is that they are not up to the task. i’m lying naked in bed, staring out my bedroom window at the bright blue sky, the glaring 7pm light burning buildings across the street.
most of thursday was spent setting up my shitty temporary phone while waiting for my insurance-covered replacement phone to arrive on friday. went to the o2 shop on holloway road and the guy who helped me was really friendly and hilarious (shout out to o’dane). my sim card was free, so i asked if it would help if i left a good google review for the trouble, and he said:
“oh my god yes please. there was another shop down the road that was shit and closed down and this one opened up, but we got stuck with their shitty reviews.”
so i left a review. i’ve actually been getting into the habit of leaving good reviews when i like a place. makes me feel like i’m doing a good thing.
thursday evening i watched kokuho, and it was amazing. visually, it was stunning, and what an incredible glimpse into such a fascinating and esoteric world – the art of kabuki. the narrative follows two young, competing onnagata (men who specialize in playing female roles, as women were historically banned from performing) on their rise to fame – it’s a story about brotherhood, loyalty, and the sacrifices one makes in pursuit of honing a craft to perfection. made me wish i was as devoted to anything in my life, but also grateful that i’m not, because that kind of devotion comes at a cost.
at about a 3-hour runtime, it was quite long, but i didn’t mind. the whole experience was so beautiful, and they used snippets of show-stopping kabuki performances as set pieces. the respect and love for the art was so palpable, i can understand why it’s now the highest-grossing japanese live-action film of all time. anyone who loves beautiful filmmaking will love it.
went to selina’s first birthday party on saturday and it was very sweet. lots of young families with their young babies. i find babies so fascinating, i always want to know what they’re thinking, how they’re experiencing the world. everything must be so new, and time must move so slowly.
there was a cute dad there that i had a crush on. we talked for a while and there was kind of a flirty vibe if i’m being honest, but i think i bring that out in people. we all need a little validation now and again, and i don’t mind being a boost in someone’s confidence. no harm in an innocent crush and some light flirting when everyone knows it’s a dead end. call it a form of practice, a little dance that can give a moment a bit of edge.
to be completely honest, i wish gay guys would flirt with me as much as straight guys do. i’ve been out of the game for too long and i know i’m rusty.
because i watched kokuho and had recently read hooked, i decided to treat myself to a nice japanese dinner on saturday night to satisfy a craving. went to itto on stroud green for the first time and it was honestly very nice, if maybe a bit overpriced. had the itto bento box (“spicy prawns, clams and squid, prawn tempura, edamame, mooli”), which was delicious. i also ordered the chef’s roll thinking it wouldn’t be enough food, but i ended up packing those up in a to-go box because the bento box was actually quite filling.
it was so hot that even though it was late evening and the sun had already set, i could still feel myself sweating as i sat and waited for my food. i poured myself glass after glass of water, trying to distract myself from the heat with my kindle.
across from me, three women sat around a table talking animatedly, gesturing, leaning in, listening, laughing. sometimes i think i need more friends in this city. i tell everyone that it’s hard to make friends in london and everyone i speak to, local and foreign alike, confirms.
sometimes i think it’s a me problem. i’ve always felt one degree separated – somehow slightly disconnected – from any group of friends i’ve ever been a part of. i remember in high school and university feeling like a bit of a satellite, orbiting other friend groups, jumping from planet to planet, and while being for the most part welcomed in, never quite feeling as at home as everyone else seemed to be in the group. maybe that’s not fair to the close friends i do have, who are actually many and who i dearly love. it’s definitely a me thing.
at the pub on monday night, someone told me i have walls up. i don’t feel like i do, but maybe you don’t notice when you do? maybe she’s right. truthfully, i want to go to therapy and talk my way to the bottom of things, see if there’s anything from my childhood (according to “couple’s therapy” and “where should we begin“, it’s always childhood) that’s getting in the way. i want to get hypnotized in case i’m repressing anything, but i’m also afraid i’d just start unconsciously making things up, and then i’d get treatment for something that’s not even real, a whole set of dynamics based on complete fiction, once again making problems where there are none.
today was my church’s annual parochial church meeting, and it was swift and painless. it’s crazy to think that it’s been less than a year since i started working there. i feel like i’ve already changed so much.
i move into the neighbourhood this week and i have a really good feeling about it. i think this summer is going to be wonderful and dreamy, and i feel ready for my heart to open up in new ways. life is so mysterious and unpredictable.
after the meeting, maya and i went to gurmani for lunch. finally had the khachapuri (boat-shaped bread stuffed with white cheese, topped with egg and butter) and it did not disappoint. bread, cheese, butter – hard to go wrong with a recipe like that.
and once again, we were sweltering, pouring glass after glass of water, downing coca-colas. there’s something about coca-cola that’s so refreshing in the heat, and i don’t know what it is. i remember going to italy with bram and constantly having to buy bottles of it to cool down. that’s actually a happy memory for me, a nice association. wandering beautiful streets with a beautiful boy, not a care in the world but for the next bottle of coca-cola.
might keep this japanese cuisine kick going and go back to tonkotsu for their summer ramen for dinner. how often do you have to treat yourself before it stops being considered a treat?
someone stole my phone today so here’s a photo i took on photobooth on my mac 🙂
it was my damn pants (trousers, for those of you in the uk). the pockets were too loose. this morning, as i was leaving my house, i literally thought to myself, ‘these pockets feel loose, better watch out for my phone,’ effectively choosing style (they’re not even stylish pants 😭) over security.
and by the end of the day, all of that caution and attentiveness had vanished.
after work, as soon as i got out of the train at finsbury park, i knew my phone had fallen out of my pocket. i immediately went back into the train to see if it was on the seat, and someone who’d been sitting across from me said that he saw someone take it and leave. another guy on the platform said he thought he saw the thief dart across, and so i went across to the victoria line and another guy who’d been sitting across from me told me he saw the thief head upstairs. and then the music in my airpods cut out so i knew the phone was out of range. it all happened really fast, and by the time i went upstairs, i’d made peace with the knowledge that i was never going to get the phone back.
these criminals are professionals who know what they’re doing – slick cogs in a larger, well-oiled machine, a whole infamous network of practiced petty theft. i couldn’t even tell which exit he might’ve taken.
i went and spoke to one of the tube employees and she was really kind. she let me try to log into my apple id on her phone so i could try to track my phone (“i know all these guys go behind those buildings over there on blackstock, but don’t ever go there alone”), but apparently i’d activated 2-factor authentication, so no luck.
when i got home, i emailed my bank to make sure all my cards were canceled and my bank app was logged out of my phone, and then filed a police report and an insurance claim. my flatmate was kind enough to lend me his phone so i could deal with everything.
i forgot i’d made sure to get theft-covered phone insurance last time my phone was stolen (this is my third phone to be stolen in this unforgiving city), and i was so ready to go to the apple store and just drop an obscene amount of money to have a new phone tonight (i don’t feel truly secure and comfortable until all of my technology [which is really just an extension of myself] is sorted), but now i can basically have it replaced for only £75, which is honestly a blessing. it’s just going to take a couple of days. thankfully, i have my backup iphone se to use in the meantime.
i was weirdly calm through the whole ordeal. i think the first time my phone was stolen in london was so traumatic and stressful (a story for another day) that now every other phone theft experience feels easy peasy, run-of-the-mill (which is pretty sad, what a horrible routine). i’m also happy i’m not going to have to pay so much money to have it replaced. i missed hub tonight to do damage control though, which is a shame because i was looking forward to seeing my friends.
in other news, a-h-a organized a pub social with the st. savs lgbt+ network on monday night, to gather after what’s been a bit of a tricky moment, and it was really encouraging. it was nice to see so many people i hadn’t seen in a while, as well as several familiar faces, and feel the love. had a lot of really tender chats, and at the end, before everyone left, they all gathered around and alex p prayed for me. i felt truly held and i gave a few words of appreciation and encouragement in return.
this morning, we had our first midweek eucharist at church and honestly it was really special. it turns out i can actually appreciate a more traditional service; it was contemplative and reverential, and there was something really beautiful about the quiet and stillness, a different quality to the familiar space.
a few members of the established congregation showed up and stayed after for open doors and it was genuinely so nice to get to know them more. running around on sunday, i’ve only ever really been able to greet them – say a few words, exchange simple pleasantries – so it was nice to sit down for a while and have the chance to really talk. it truly felt like a bit of a breakthrough, and an encouragement for things to come: new dimensions of relationship, forms of connection opening up, a space that serves a purpose.
anyway, it’s late and i have to go get a new sim in the morning, but i’m going to make a decaf coffee, grab a couple of biscuits and watch a couple of episodes of the new season of couple’s therapy. i need to wind down. i think i’m going to work a half day tomorrow because everything’s been a lot.
but strangely, i’m genuinely happy. even though someone stole my phone today, i feel protected, like someone’s watching over me. things weren’t as bad as they could’ve been, and even through the whole thing, i experienced the kindness of strangers. my heart is full and somehow made stronger; a path seems to crystallize, and i carry a weathered but enduring hope into the brand-new day.
yesterday was the “reclaiming belonging” conference at st. john’s church – a day conference exploring how to maintain scriptural integrity while championing the full participation of lgbtq+ people in the life of the church (we’ve been planning on going to this conference for months and now the timing of it seems so fortuitous 👀).
according to their website:
Scriptural integrity is often pitted against the celebration of LGBTQ+ communities and their full inclusion in all aspects of church life. This tension is particularly apparent in current debates around the Blessing of same sex relationships within the Church of England. ‘Reclaiming Belonging’ is a day conference for anyone wanting to explore how to maintain Scriptural integrity whilst championing the full participation of LGBTQ+ people in the life of the church. Together, we’ll be re-examining traditional interpretations of Scripture through an expansive and compassionate lens, to propose that celebrating and including LGBTQ+ people is what it means to be faithful to the God revealed in the Bible.
it was a day full of important learning and conversation. chris and i led worship (meaning i woke up earlier than i’ve woken up in probably weeks [6:45am lol]) and it was a really beautiful, intimate and encouraging way to spend the morning and afternoon.
i’d previously read jonathan tallon’s book, so i already knew the information he discussed during his keynote session on Romans 1, but it was a nice reminder of how important it is to engage with scripture critically and not just take it at its plain-text face value. when you don’t dive deeper and seek true understanding, you do yourself a disservice. the Bible is not something you should approach simplistically. it’s the living word. it’s meant to be wrestled with, pondered, uncovered, layer by layer, across time – and even then, so much remains a mystery, there’s always so much more to learn. but conversely, even then, God’s message of radical, inclusive love shines through.
the session exploring the good fruit of inclusive churches was really encouraging. the speaker told stories of churches that have “fully and joyfully embraced lgbtq+ people and families and are gloriously fruitful and thriving”. and yet, at the end, when people around the room were sharing their own stories of encouragement, i felt the need to point out the urgency of creating inclusive spaces not just to bear good fruit, but also to avoid the bad fruit of non-affirming spaces that refuse to embrace, celebrate and honour the full humanity of lgbtq+ people in the same way as their heterosexual counterparts.
later, at lunch, a mother came up to me and thanked me for what i said. apparently, her daughter had been very involved at a non-affirming church while secretly being in a same-sex relationship. the leaders at her church would tell her things like she was full of the spirit and that God was with her. but when they found out about her girlfriend a few months later, they rejected her, forcing her to either end her relationship or leave the church.
when she argued that they’d previously told her how spirit-filled she was, they said that that was before she went into this relationship, and since then, she’d “fallen from grace.” those were apparently their exact words. and when she told them she’d been in the relationship the whole time and they just didn’t know about it, they just said they’d been wrong about her then. and so she left that church, heartbroken and abandoned. thankfully, she was able to find a church that fully accepted and honoured her.
honestly, while the conference was encouraging (sadly, it already means so much that we can even have conferences like this), it also made it so clear that in this institution where lgbt+ people are simply fighting to be recognized as people who truly love God and others, it’s always going to be an uphill battle. how do you begin to build unity with people who don’t even recognize your full humanity? it would be easy to succumb to a defeatist attitude, but for some reason, through grappling with all of this, i’ve come to realize that at the end of the day, i have faith that God can still make what seems impossible possible, and that love will have the last word.
during dinner with nellie the other night, she posited that in all actuality, lgbt+ people who stay in the church should be the most respected, because their faith is hard-fought and hard-won. there is no good reason any queer person would stay in an institution that broadly and openly hates them (or at least, does not fully love or include them) – especially the church, which is perhaps the best-known institution in the modern western world that so obviously and vehemently discriminates against lgbt+ people – unless they have real faith.
and i have real faith. if, as my sister puts it, God’s love is enacted through community and relationship with others, then i will stay in community and in relationship with others, even when that community can sometimes hurt. i stay in the church because i believe in a force of love that is higher, stronger and more important than the sad brokenness that flawed people bring to the table. i believe this is a love worth fighting for and it is a love that will win.
this conference was actually canceled last year and postponed to yesterday, and i feel like the timing has to be more than just a coincidence. so many things have been happening recently that shake me out of my complacency, that renew a sense of urgency, that force me to face a hard reality but also hope to be some small spark of change. and it all makes me think of one of my favourite verses:
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
– 2 Timothy 4:7
to me, pursuing the full inclusion of lgbt+ people in the church, hoping we can all one day live in the fullness of love and life God has for us, is part of fighting the good fight, running the race, and keeping the faith.
later, maya and i had dinner at mereme during their first dinner service. it was so lovely – such a change in vibe from their usual coffee shop set up. it was albanian-inspired small plates, orange wine (a passionfruit soda for me), a dj, low lighting – maya said this was the vibe that made living in london worth it. i’ve kind of made friends with the owners, ioni and slim, since i get coffee and read there so much, and they were so excited and happy, it was wonderful to see. maya said you can tell they really care about what they’re doing and it’s so refreshing that it isn’t just one of those soulless, corporate-hipster money grabs.
after dinner, we went back to my place and watched “apex” on netflix. a very netflix thriller in the sense that it’s simple, easy, vaguely entertaining watching with little to no depth or demand for complex thinking. which is exactly what we were in the mood for.
and today, we had our first church summer bbq, which was honestly so joyful. chris was a little bit stressed because we were expecting a bit of an influx of people visiting from st. savs, and with the bbq happening there was a lot going on, but it all pulled together in the end.
during our pre-service prayer meeting, i prayed a blessing over the bbq – for good weather and joy – and honestly, it felt like those prayers were answered. it thankfully didn’t rain, and so many people brought food – the spread was amazing. there was a true sense of community, of everyone chipping in and being able to enjoy time together. the woman i helped out on wednesday even showed up and stayed for the bbq, and she said that everyone she met was so welcoming and kind to her, and she was going to invite friends to start coming as well.
i thought about how it’s little things like these that make all of it – all of the struggle, all of the pain, all of the uncertainty – worth it and give me hope. this is the good fruit. this is all sorts of love rising to the surface.
i think i’m at a point of peace with everything. i can look at my past and recognize the damage, but i don’t have to remain in the bitterness of that place. i can hold my head proudly knowing how far i’ve come, i can live with the scars and not let them define me. and though the church really hurt me, it’s helping to heal me too, even if there’s still a long way to go. i can live life now choosing to look forward while honouring the little boy i once was, choosing to live fully, pursuing healing and wholeness, for myself and others, for him.
but that’s not to say these past couple of weeks haven’t been a bit draining. i missed a concert on friday because i wasn’t in the mood to go. i took a nap from 7pm-9pm today and now i’m a bit disoriented. so if anyone wants to say a prayer for me, please let it be that i might be able to recoup some energy and rest 🙏
i had a little bit of a breakdown at work today (thankfully, i was alone). a friend called and told me about how some people have been spinning what happened last tuesday, that maybe i was blowing everything out of proportion, that people were just trying to pray and be nice. i think, honestly, he was kidding for the most part, but we did seriously talk about how people are just trying to do what they think is right, and if they truly believe that sex outside of a heterosexual framework is not only not right but actually dangerous, they feel that the responsible thing to do is not accept or allow it.
i personally find this view incredibly self-righteous, judgmental and patronizing, as if you and your ilk are the only ones who truly know and understand God, and i think the people who hold this view have the privilege of being able to ignore all the outworkings of harm – all the little deaths and actual deaths – it causes. i just cannot understand how you can think you’re nurturing anyone’s spirit or sense of self or fullness of life by telling them the way they experience and express love is unnatural and wrong.
after the call, i went to go make an instant coffee, and while i was thinking of my own fractured experience of struggling with my sexuality while being around people who were only trying to do right by God and others, i said this out loud, to no one:
i just wish someone had told me i was good.
and, to my surprise (and utter horror), i broke down crying. i realized that i just wish someone around me – my pastor, my parents, any adult i looked up to in the church – had told me i was okay just the way i was. that i wasn’t bad or broken because of this. that the feelings i was having, the experience i was going through, were completely natural and fine, and not anything to be ashamed of. i genuinely believe it would’ve changed the trajectory of my life, and i would’ve been able to avoid some of the more destructive paths i eventually walked on. if i’d had the conditions to explore love and intimacy openly and safely, i think i would’ve been spared a lot of pain. but of course, nobody really had any idea what i was going through because i was too afraid to name it to anyone.
i realize now, with all of this going on, revisiting and confronting parts of my past in any meaningful way for the first time in a while, really trying to understand the potential consequences of what i went through and making connections i’ve never made before – i realize now that i internalized a deep sense of wrongness when i was young, and i’m not sure if i’ve completely worked my way out of it.
and so i said what the fuck and cried, mourning the kid i once was, the sense of innocence robbed, grieving the man i could’ve been without all the damage. and for the first time in a long time, i felt a deep sense of anger. because i was just a kid, and even writing this now, my eyes well up for that kid.
i like to think of myself as strong, as having risen above all of these things and moved on, but i think the reality is that i’ve been, for a long time, running away, always charging forward, too afraid to look back and dwell in the deep pain of loss. maybe this is some sort of reckoning, and maybe all of this is a personal blessing for me. maybe this is what had to happen for me to finally face the music.
i believe i can be strong and sure of myself, confident and free, but also tender to myself, finally willing to hold myself through the hard places. maybe one day i will write about it all, and maybe that will make me feel better, but for now, here’s a little prayer i wrote a little after i stopped crying:
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for being present with me through all of this. I feel a deep sense of sorrow and anger, for the boy I once was, for the wreckage of my young body. And though I feel a deep grief for the man I could’ve been, I am also so grateful for the man You’ve made me today. I lift all of my pain, my heartache and brokenness up to you, Lord. Please, somehow, work it all towards Your good.And thank You for drawing near to me, always, even when people tell me I am pulling away from You. Fill me with Your spirit, Lord. Give me peace and compassion, strength and courage, and make me brave enough to face what I need to face. Guide me through this and let me live freely in the fullness of the love and life you have for me.
some pictures from dinner at lucia’s last night. i sadly forgot to take photos of my favourite dishes of the night: the monkfish tacos and pork chop plate (both so good). the barbaco tacos were also amazing. my ranking for tacos was: 1. monkfish, 2. crab, 3. barbacoa – and the pork chop plate was it’s own thing.
london showed many faces today; the sun shone, clouds drifted in and out, and we got little bursts of five-minute flash showers of hail (in may 😭) and rain. the sky was clunky and indecisive, leaving no room for fickle fair weather friends.
as i was walking home from work, i noticed an old woman across the street struggling to walk with a big shopping trolley she was dragging along. i’ve recently been trying to practice seeing everyone around me as an image-bearer of God (deserving of dignity, love and care) and trying to be attuned to the different ways i can be a blessing (be the hands and feet of God) in the lives of others, so i crossed the street and asked her if she needed help. i was bracing myself for her to rebuff me, but to my joy, her face immediately broke into a smile of gratitude.
she thanked me profusely, handed me her shopping trolley, took my arm as support, and together we walked her home, in the middle of the street because the pavement was too wonky. every so often, we had to stop and get out of the way of an oncoming car and she’d apologize for slowing me down and i’d say, no problem at all, i have nothing more important to do with my day.
she told me she’d twisted her ankle not too long ago and was having a really hard time getting home after grocery shopping, so i was such a blessing to her. she asked if i lived nearby and i told her i work for the church around the corner, but would be moving into the area soon.
“christ church?” “yes!” “my house is on the same street! i’ve been before.”
i told her we started something new there almost a year ago. turns out she’s also a christian and usually goes to the gospel centre, but because of her ankle she hasn’t been able to go. i said she’s always welcome to drop in on a sunday, and i also let her know about our open doors wednesday community coffee mornings, and she said she’d come by next week!
she asked me what my name was and said she had a feeling we were going to be great friends. and she kept saying,
“you’re an angel, you’re an angel – i didn’t even pray for one today, but here you are, right when i needed you.”
and i thought about how beautiful that idea is: that you can be an answer to someone’s prayer they didn’t even know they had.
how amazing would the world be if we were all looking out for little ways to bless each other, expecting nothing in return? surely, we’d receive so many blessings too.
when we got to her house (it really was just a couple of doors down from the church), she said she would have to have me over sometime for coffee, cake and piano (we bonded over music during the walk) and that i would be welcome to bring a friend. i ran back to church to grab some flyers for her, so hopefully she does come by next week!
in the evening, i met up with nellie to have dinner at lucia’s. they said it was going to be a one-and-a-half-hour wait, so we meandered over to a bar down the road for a couple of sodas and to catch up.
i shared with her all of the drama that’s been going on in the last week, and she was incredibly sympathetic and encouraging. she’s not christian, so it was actually helpful to get a perhaps more objective perspective on everything, because it does seem a bit crazy from the outside looking in.
i think the big question was: who actually gets hurt when you institutionalize an affirming theology over a non-affirming one? is it just people who disagree with it, and the pain they feel is a personal sense of betrayal of themselves and God? because we know who gets hurt when you institutionalize a non-affirming theology – we have the documented and anecdotal evidence of all the harm, pain and death.
will people die because your church is suddenly affirming? will people be disowned by their parents and left homeless on the street for having a non-affirming view? will people go home and cry themselves to sleep at night over their own hopeless sense of broken identity and self-hatred because the church says God might actually be okay with gay people? probably not? then what are we doing?
surely the responsible thing to do is institutionalize an affirming view that allows for everyone’s dignity and full humanity (or at least stop institutionalizing and sanctifying dangerous non-affirming views) and actually make a safe space for the diversity of people’s personal theologies and beliefs. you can only really “agree to disagree” well and safely when no one is getting hurt. it’s not simply agreeing to disagree when your harmful opinion is enshrined as absolute truth and leads to a pervasive and seemingly inevitable culture of life-destroying and ungodly shame, guilt, hatred and fear.
anyway, as we were talking about all this, nellie said i must be exhausted, and i didn’t realize it, but i am. i’m tired of shouting into a void, trying to convince people that the pain i and countless others have felt and continue to feel is real – that it matters, and that it doesn’t have to be this way.
the truth is, my struggle with my sexuality in many ways derailed my life, and it was only a struggle because of the church. i didn’t care about what my peers thought about me, but i cared about what God thought about me. and though my church wasn’t actively homophobic in any way (nobody was ever mean to me or made me feel excluded; in fact, people at my church were only ever kind and loving to me), the doctrine was enough to damn me, and people’s kindness in some ways made it more confusing.
i thought, these are kind, loving, godly people, so if they’ve got that right, they must be right about this. and if they’re right about this, then God is disgusted by me and i’m going to hell. and when you’re a kid raised to believe God is the most important thing in the whole world (and you’re too scared to talk to your parents about it because they love God and, you know, they might throw you out) that can be enough to kill you.
so yes, i’m tired of having to retread this pain, trying to get people to really listen and understand, knowing it might not even matter at all, that it might not make any difference.
i’m exhausted.
but at least dinner was delicious! some of the best tacos i’ve had in london. and it was so nice to spend time with a friend who really lifts me up and helps me find the courage, strength and perspective i need to keep doing the work.
i saw an instagram post recently that claims to explain the science behind why different people like different seasons. autumn lovers are supposedly wired to find comfort in familiar sensory patterns:
The olafactory system connects directly to the brain’s memory and emotion centers. The specific sensory profile of autumn, decomposing leaves, cool air, low light, triggers involuntary positive memories more powerfully than any other season. The brains of autumn lovers get flooded with the emotional residue of their best memories.
in other words, as a self-proclaimed autumn lover, i’m apparently prone to the beauty and wonders of wistful nostalgia, and so am 100% the target market for this kind of video game.
i’ve been excited about this game ever since i watched the trailer for it over a year ago. as a huge fan of the “life is strange” series, it seemed to have everything i could want in a game: a cool, distinctive art style, strong character and story beats, effective use of music, and a kind of slice of life, everyday brand of cinematic, pull at your heart strings appeal.
it absolutely delivered on all of those fronts.
the game follows a group of three friends, all high school seniors, on their last night together before parting ways, and, as you can imagine, explores the complicated feelings of growing up (excitement, insecurity, fear of the unknown, a sense of impending loss, but also a sense of limitlessness, of possibility and hope) in a way that hits hard and resonates.
it plays like a series of mini-games specifically designed to enhance those moments, and while this might be too simple for some serious, overly-critical gamers, i think it’s refreshingly honest about what it’s seeking to do and accomplishes it well.
one of the main mechanics of the game is exploring various environments (the main characters’ bedrooms, for the most part), interacting with objects and flash-backing to interactive memories that build on the world and their friendships; you get to know the characters closely, become attached to them, understand them – and in exploring these memories, i couldn’t help but think about my own adventures, my own little rebellions, my own adolescence, when everything felt so big, so important, so full of life – when i felt everything, every flash of euphoria, every late night cry – every flutter, shudder, little happiness and heartbreak – so acutely.
the game has some really great set pieces because the storytelling doesn’t focus on literal reality, but instead on the emotional reality of different moments. at the height of a character’s anger, you skate around exploding cars and other objects by flipping them off. during a memory of betrayal, you float through and then above the town, evoking a sense of dissociation, everything in black and white. and each experience is paired with a curated piece of music (music itself being a main character of the game) that elevates the moment.
with about a 4-hour run time, you can get through the game in an afternoon or evening, which is great because it’s best enjoyed in one sitting, as a self-contained story of its own. and i’m grateful for this because i find i don’t have much time these days to play video games, so it was nice to be able to finish the whole thing in one go, like playing through a john hughes movie, as another review so aptly put it. i cried at the end.
i’m going to give this game 4.5/5 ⭐️ because it was near perfect for me. it’s full of lingering, meaningful stares, things left unsaid, and the complications but also incredible magic, humour and comfort of teenage friendship, so if you’re like me and tend to romanticize your younger years, this game is for you. it’s probably going to be one of the comfort games i play whenever i want to have a couple of cozy, simple hours to myself (“Lake” and “Firewatch” are a couple of other games like that for me).
above: the food at gurmani (georgian food), where everything was delicious.
today was our first church service since everything happened last tuesday, and naturally, when people asked me how my week was, i talked to them about it.
i shared my blog post with a friend who read it and spent a good portion of the rest of the service riled up and crying. apparently, he knows someone else who’s dealing with quite damaging, active homophobia enshrined in faith and doctrine, so it really hit close to home.
i’ve been slightly worried that i’m being overly dramatic about everything that happened last week, even though it was undoubtedly mishandled and i experienced real pain. i’m fortunate that my faith and sense of self and God’s love for me are robust enough that i’m able to bounce back quickly, kind of brush everything off and move on, but because of that i end up minimizing the problem to myself.
seeing my friend crying today (and our conversation that followed) really made me realize that no, this actually is a huge issue and people continue to suffer in real ways. i believe that regardless of whether or not you intend to do any harm (or realize the harm you’re doing), these non-affirming views inevitably, even if passively, lead to a culture of incredibly destructive and often silent shame, guilt and fear for those impacted by them, and to the breakdown of family, relationships, and a healthy sense of self. moreover, these views have historically been and are currently being used to fuel and legitimize more extreme, active and violent forms of homophobia, whether or not you agree with or condone this violence.
from my perspective, when you hold fast to these views, you are inevitably (even if unwittingly) contributing to the harm, degradation and dehumanization the lgbt+ community experiences, and i think then the honest question becomes whether adherence to this doctrine – to this particular brand of conversvative christianity when other theologically consistent approaches are available – is more important than the lives (the lived experiences of harm) of the people you’re hurting. i think we all need to start being real about this.
in lighter news, little L invited me out to lunch with her and her family after church and it was a wonderful time! we had georgian food at gurmani and everything was delicious. L even made me a nice wig (it was more like a head ornament) out of playdough(?) and the waitress said it looked great.
i’m really grateful i have these experiences of true church family, love and acceptance to act as a counterbalance to the lonelier experiences of being gay in the church. truthfully, it’s not easy. even now, with all of this going on, i have to stop myself from seriously considering the legitimacy of the non-affirming view, because it’s a slippery slope to once again hating myself and that is a dark place i refuse to go back to.
i’m sure people wonder why i choose to stay in the church, not to mention work for one, but my faith is real; I have seen God at work in my life and in the lives of those around me, and i want to love people the way that Jesus loves them (selflessly, with genuine care, mercy, forgiveness, compassion).
so i’m choosing to believe in the God who loves me, who neither rejects nor needs me to reject such a fundamental part of who i am to truly love and follow Him, and i’m so glad i’m surrounded by people who choose to believe in this God too.
lykke li’s new album “the afterparty” came out yesterday and i’ve been listening to this song throughout the day. someone said it sounds like an adult lullaby.
this morning, i went into my flatmate’s room to ask him if he was the one who’d left an empty roll of toilet paper on the holder without swapping it out. he started basically yelling at me, saying i was barging in and attacking him while he was eating lunch, and that he was tired of being accused of everything wrong with the house.
it would be easier to not assume he was the one at fault for everything if he wasn’t so clearly the one at fault for so many little grievances. we had a flat meeting once where we were talking about making sure the toilets were clean and free of skid marks and he said “what’s the big deal about skid marks anyway? they’re just skid marks.” unsurprisingly, skid marks hadn’t been an issue before he moved in.
so he deflected about the toilet paper (an issue i’ve been frustrated with because i keep finding empty rolls on the holder and replacing them myself and not mentioning it out of the goodness of my heart) and i posted a message in the group chat basically asking people to do the considerate thing and replace empty rolls.
and then he and i basically fought in the group chat.
him: this is not a big deal, i don’t care who has done this. it is seriously not worth arguing over. me: it is because it’s about the principle of shared responsibility. it’s about consideration for others and an agreed standard of living. him: if you want to risk upsetting people just because of idealised responsibility then you need to prioritise being kind. me: it’s not unkind to flag when someone is not pulling their weight.
first of all, insane that he thinks doing the decent thing and swapping out toilet paper when you’ve used the last bit of it is an idealized responsibility rather than common sense. the thing about men is that they hate having to rise to any form of higher standard of living if it takes an ounce of energy more than what they’re used to, even if it helps them in the long run.
they’d rather we all lower down and roll in the dirt with them, saying anything else is unncessary and too fussy. who cares if there’s an empty roll of toilet paper in the holder? i’m sure someone somewhere somehow will solve that problem at some point in time in some way that is beyond me.
apparently it’s mean to ask someone to do their share of common, considerate housework.
at one point, our landlord said “may i suggest you move from texting to talking and hopefully resolve issues?”
i said, “i did try to talk to him about it and apparently it was me attacking him.”
and that’s when he responded, saying “some self-awareness is needed here.”
to which i responded, “please tell me how i should’ve handled that better other than knocking first.” (note: his door was open and i did knock, i just didn’t wait for him to say to come in)
and he hasn’t responded to that yet. men are so arrogant, as if i’m the one who needs self-awareness when you don’t understand why your skid marks might make people uncomfortable.
truthfully, i think he’s being defensive and feeling called out because he knows he’s at fault for these little things. the rest of us are relatively tidier and know how to clean up after ourselves. he doesn’t think these ‘small things’ should be issues, but he does not get to decide what is and isn’t annoying and what is and isn’t a shared responsibility rooted in common sense when living with people. you can’t just say “i don’t think that’s a problem” and expect everyone else to deal with the problem.
i don’t blame him though. i think he’s only ever lived in shared houses with other men like him and it’s probably always been a mess. when i lived with sadiq, i was the messy one, and i used to think he was being anal retentive about everything. then i grew up and realized i was just being a bit of a lazy asshole and taking him for granted.
so at the end of the day, i hope this poor man grows up. it’ll be a real wake-up call when he starts living with a partner if he doesn’t.
anyway, we had that fight, then i went to mereme to start reading han kang’s “we do not part” (the owner knows me now and said i should come by for their first evening service next saturday), and then i went to the park to hang out with ian, ben and ben’s brother.
i didn’t realize ben’s dad was a vicar. i somehow hijacked the conversation and we talked about how the modern church has often lost the plot, caring more about doctrine, theology and its own self-righteous holiness over actually being in the world and loving people well, especially the marginalized, vulnerable and poor; how someone will judge you for sleeping in the same bed as your partner outside of marriage and then also completely ignore the homeless person they pass by on their way to the tube.
i also told them about how i no longer believe in hell, and how that’s been so liberating and formative for my faith. i could tell they were really thinking about what i was saying, which i appreciated. i think if you’re going to call yourself a christian, you should take it seriously and really think about these things, see things from new perspectives, and form your own beliefs.
the way i see it, anything that allows your faith to be more expansive, more full of possibility and hope, and more encouraging to be in real, loving relationship with people has to be good.
slept in and when i woke up, i decided to go to mereme to read a bit. i was nearing the end of “heart the lover” by lily king, which probably wasn’t a good idea to read in public because i couldn’t stop myself from silently crying.
at one point, the narrator has a conversation about love, and it all seemed very pertinent:
‘In literature love is a weakness. Othello is easily manipulated by Iago because of his love for Desdemona. Anna Karenina throws herself under a train.’
‘Othello places his trust in Iago, not Desdemona. Anna Karenina’s society does not allow her to be with Vronsky. Love is not the weakness. People get in the way. People are weak and perilous, not love.’
12:45pm rolled around and i packed up and started walking to break bread (free biweekly community lunch) at st. saviours. as i was walking, this phrase kept repeating in my mind:
these two feet are carrying me forward, but that might not always be the case.
i pondered the blessings of health and mobility, the miracle of the human body, and i was acutely aware of my field of vision going up and down, up and down with every step, something i don’t normally register.
had a nice chat with matt at break bread, but later, when i got home, i worried i was being so nice that the gravity of what happened on tuesday might’ve gotten lost, so i sent him a whatsapp message clarifying my position – that actually, i’m hoping things don’t just blow over. i don’t want people to think everything is okay just because i’m fine and know how to move on.
he responded gracefully, and we’re going to set up a time for a broader chat. rereading my message to him, as i sat in a movie theatre about to watch “the devil wears prada 2” with maya, i realized it was a bit pointed and felt bad. maya said i was probably overthinking things.
the movie was decent, but i sort of felt like half of it was fan service and nostalgia play, with so many nods and references to the first one. i also found everyone’s characterizations a bit odd – they kind of defanged miranda, and andy should’ve been more confident and less naive at that stage of her career. i also thought parts of the plot were a bit absurd and contrived, but as sequels go, it was fine, and i loved the music and beautiful clothes (simone ashley looked incredible).
we went to get ramen at tonkotsu after. i thought i was craving a standard, brothy ramen, but then i noticed their summer no-broth ramen on the menu and saw a vision of myself eating it, so ordered that instead. i’ve been wanting to eat saucy noodles ever since i read the passage in “hooked” where they eat soba. i tried to teach maya how to use chopsticks, but it’s a skill you have to practice so we ended up getting her a fork.
after, we spontaneously decided to go to rowans for a bit of a boogie. it was just us and another couple on the dance floor for a while. the man liked us and when they left, he said ‘bye, have a great night.’
later, a woman came and asked if she could dance with us.
“i don’t get to go dancing often, so i have to take the opportunity!”
apparently, her annual work party was at rowans tonight and after a while, her coworkers came and joined us. they were all doctors working around manor house and they’d finished karaoke in one of those expensive rooms not long before. i asked one of the guys what song he sang, and he said “a lot.”
when they left, they said we could have the rest of their pizza and i ended up taking home three slices. that’ll be lunch tomorrow.
truthfully, the dj didn’t do a very good job. he kept playing remixes of songs that would’ve been better as their original versions. we didn’t stay long past the doctors and left just as the night seemed like it was about to really start. in a different life, i would’ve stayed, craving the electricity, flashes of possibility, lingering eyes across the room.
when i got home, i collapsed onto my bed and finished off “heart the lover”. the whole book is about wistful regret, the consequences of simple failures, action and inaction that linger and echo throughout time. i thought about the butterfly effect, the domino trail of my own choices, all of my possible futures branching out like different routes on a map.
i wonder if, when i really think about it, i might’ve missed my chance at a great love. i think about people who’ve flitted in and out of my life, the intensity of connection waxing and waning over the years, our paths meandering and crossing every now and again. i think about stories and footnotes and endings.
but life is long and full of surprises, and i settle on a rising hope.
it’s 2am but i thought i should write a bit of an update.
a lot of today was made up of dealing with the fallout from my last post. the funny thing about being open and honest is that you often give people something to wrestle with, to think about more deeply, to consider more seriously, and i don’t think that’s ever a bad thing.
speaking up about something important even when it’s uncomfortable (maybe especially when it’s uncomfortable) – and when you know you’re going to make everyone around you uncomfortable – gives people a chance to wrestle with that discomfort.
i got a lot of messages of care, encouragement and solidarity, which strengthened me when i was feeling a bit anxious. i could tell people were sharing the post, various members of church leadership were getting involved, conversations about what happened were going on. all of these things i knew might happen were happening, and i think deep down i wanted people to talk a little bit.
even though it was a bit scary to put myself out there like that, not knowing what the consequences would be, i’m glad people are treating this with the weight and gravity it deserves and having serious conversations about it.
every message i’ve received from all of the church leadership who’ve reached out has been very gracious and understanding, and for that i’m truly grateful. pete emailed me in good faith to see if i want to have a conversation with him (and chris) about everything, and i’m honestly looking forward to it.
i think these conversations need to happen, and i’m happy to be a part of them. i think we need better answers to big questions.
like, what does it mean when the way you love someone doesn’t feel like love? when it causes pain, separation, and the breakdown of true relationship? is it just a case of let’s agree to disagree? and how do you disagree well here when someone is crying out, saying “you’re hurting me, you’re pulling me away from God”? is it just a case of sad misunderstanding, of not receiving the ‘love’ you have to give well, of not realizing that you’re hurting them for their own good, that it’s not hurt at all, that it’s actually ‘opportunity’?
how do you build true, authentic, loving community, where everyone can thrive and flourish, when a part of the community is saying you have systems in place that actively harm them? is it just a case of they’re wrong, you’re right, and they simply have to find some way to accept that and move on, or leave?
i guess we’ll have to wait and see.
in other news, i got a cake for open doors (our church’s free wednesday community coffee morning) to celebrate chris’s birthday. james and diane and a new guest named tom were there. we took turns saying nice things about chris and then praying for him, and it was really sweet.
and while we were doing this, i thought about how grateful i am for chris’s leadership – for his courage and love and compassion, for making a space where i can practice real discipleship and truly flourish in the boundless love of God, exactly as i am, with everything i have to bring. i thought about all of the things that had to happen for me to end up working at christ church and i felt truly and wonderfully blessed.
and in the evening, my st. saviours small group unexpectedly made space at the end of our meeting to pray over me and over the situation, to tell me they’re here for me and will support me – and i felt loved.
so even here, in the midst of this dull ache and discomfort, i can see glimpses of God too. and i have hope and faith that His hand is over all of this, and whatever He wills will be.
P.S. forgot to mention that apparently the situation with the church in wales is a lot more complex and nuanced (in ways that haven’t been fully explained to me yet), and their being non-affirming is just one factor in why they’ve left the institution of the church of wales. unfortunately, that’s not how it was presented at all in that meeting (which begs the question, why?).
